Skip to main content

Sometimes I go to speak...





Sometimes I go to speak…. And it’s like every organ in my body has shut down. The ones that help me to breathe, dilute, process. It’s like a clamp is on my throat. It’s like my brain has been wiped clear.

Sometimes I go to speak, and everything I am so passionate about is crowding on the other side of a thin curtain, but I cannot push the curtain aside to share my bounty of knowledge.

Sometimes I go to speak and someone has turned the power-off button on my body. All that glorious, lived, authentic knowledge that I have culled over a lifetime is sitting there in my powered-off body, with no way to be communicated to those around me.

Sometimes I go to speak and someone has turned all the bright lights on. They are blinding me and I am stunned into silence.

Sometimes I go to speak and my soul remembers how it was born into silencing.

Every bright, beautiful, true thought that I formulated was crushed in the fabricated ether of conformity to strict dogma. Rerouted, funneled to somewhere deep in my body, where it would gestate until it found a safe time to come out and give voice.

Why has it been my experience to know this? Why has it been millions of women’s experiences to know this? Do we need to know why? We are brave beyond reasoning.

And now, in this new dawn where the collective voice is finding free speech – where is my singular voice in all of this?

How can I find the courage to speak up? Amidst the dying embers of what checked me? How can I move past the blocks, which were winnowed so deeply into my being?

It has taken a lifetime of peeling away layers to get to where I am today. Making free choices. Living the life I choose to live, regardless of what others think.


There have been times in my life where I have broken through to another mode of expression – when I dance, sing, cry, feel, listen – sometimes even my silences have been the most powerful, earth shifting prayers of release.

Words are not the only way to communicate. And maybe this is what life is trying to teach me right now. There are many effective non-verbal ways to communicate, the ways which will move the mountains that words cannot even touch.

I just need to trust that there is a reason I am this way. Even if I never understand, that is okay. If we were all speakers, orators, and eloquent arguers – who would change the world by listening? By feeling? By seeing what others do not see?

Sometimes I go to speak and what I have to say is so important, that I cannot find words expressive enough to say it. So I stay silent, and people assume that because I do not speak, I have nothing to say. They may think that I have no contribution or an inadequate intellect.

What I have to say is so important, that the only way I can express it is to live it.

Sometimes I go to speak, and somehow I know, deep in my bones, that I am not to speak, but to live.


I am not meant to speak it. I am meant to cry it, dance it, exude it – until its essence permeates everything so fully – that no one will ever know it was not true.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Raw Beauty of Life

"You are like a leaf blowing around in the eye of a hurricane. Life has really landed on you. It's amazing to see how you carry it." -Ryan Hartley Life is like a dark night, and a star-lit soul peering into a jar of fireflies. We are free and bound at the same time.  It is the collected moments that you are present to, which create a beautiful life.  Observing the steam rise in curls from a mug of green tea, the pattern of sunlight streaming through a leaf, the warmth of someones lips on yours, the crinkle at the corner of the eyelids in a child's smile, the moment you jump into a cold lake.  This is life.  And yes - the moments where you are curled up in a ball on the floor, your body heaving with sobs. The moments where you are called out. The dark parts of yourself that you encounter, and choose to integrate. The times you see someone doing something you wish you were doing and feel jealous. Life is not a tea party that we dress up f...
2 comments
Read more

I come from

I come from adventure I come from wild sky I come from open I come from deep green I come from remember I come from song I come from sisterhood I come from grace I come from ancient I come from valley I come from peoples I come from witch I come from plants I come from iron I come from clay I come from voice I come from play I come from land I come from prayer I come from tears I come from the Grandmothers I come from bones I come from wings I come from time I come moving, alive, old, wise, sad, vibrant, free I come I come I come alive
Post a Comment
Read more

four life poems

Life never to unravel i seek but always to unravel i be like long taper silk worms wreathing and weaving the snake's head eating the tail swallowing whole never to unravel its open faced mystery never to unravel me i seek but always i unravel, i revert never, always Love wherever i go, beloved i cannot be lost to you you hold me in your body your vastness is my home and yet tenderly you hold every part of me softly i can go nowhere you are not you are everywhere and you hold me everywhere you place me in everywhere i am everywhere with you, my beloved i am always found not lost in you Dark i hardly notice the violence i am sinking my ears are stopped i jump at the slightest sound it has permeated me my skin is loose my teeth are rattling i hardly notice you anymore help me i hardly notice the violence anymore Word the thing i know is nothing the thi...
Post a Comment
Read more