"The next skin of self"

"Often, we need to put dead things to rest, so that new life can grow. And further, the thing put to rest - whether it be a loved one, a dream, or a false way of seeing - becomes the fertilizer for the life about to form. As the well-used thing joins with the earth, the old love fertilizes the new; the broken dream fertilizes the dream yet conceived; the painful way of being that strapped us to the world fertilizes the freer inner stance about to unfold."   -Mark Nepo


You cannot force the soul to do anything. The soul is shy and wild. You must create a safe space for it to emerge in the way it chooses to do so. And when it is ready, it will shed its skin, to make way for the new skin underneath.

The other night I had one of those gut-wrenching, heaving cries. A good cry. The release of build up that needed to come out. Afterwards, I lay on my back with a pillow between my shoulder blades, my heart chakra open wide. The cat came and curled up on my chest, right over my heart. Her warm, purring groundedness began to seep into me. 

I took in the healing, one deep breath at a time.

And these are the words that came to me, after that release, while my heart was open:

Be here. Be here with these feelings. Be with all your feelings. Let them guide you. Let them show you what you want, and what you do not want. Who you are, and who you are not.

Know that you are not these feelings, they don't define you. But they can guide you, they can heal and cleanse you, if you feel them, and don't try to bypass them by numbing out. Allow them to flow through you (don't let them get stuck in your body).

Choose, in this moment, to keep your heart open, no matter what.

Choose, in this moment, not to shut down. But simply to know. I am here. I am okay. Yes, I hurt right now, but I'm just going to feel it, and it will pass. I choose to stay open. I choose to feel all of my emotions – sadness, hurt – and joy, desire, inspiration. I choose to have a whole, vibrant, alive, real life experience. I do not want to shut myself off from any of it. I trust that my emotions are guiding me to create the life of my dreams, a life in alignment with who I truly am. I will listen. I will trust.

Years ago I had a vivid dream. It was during a time when I had received a wake up call, and my life, as I knew it, was falling apart. I felt that I was spinning out of control and spiraling downwards into darkness. In my dream there was a large wildcat, I think it was a lion, and it was poised just behind me. I could feel its hot breath on my neck, and I could feel its claw tips on the exposed skin of my back. Just that.

I have come to see that it was a visual metaphor for what was happening. The tearing away of illusions, of outworn beliefs and thought patterns that were no longer serving me. The shedding, or tearing away of skin, so that I could live in my next skin, the one underneath. The one that was more in alignment with who I really am.

It is not easy and painless to shed your skin. Sometimes it really fucking hurts!

But the pain is worth it. I can look back now, nine years later, with deep gratitude. I was given the gift of true love, the love that says – 

I love you so much, it is time to change, sweetheart. 

It is time to shed the skin, the illusion, that no longer fits who you are, and is causing you much suffering. It is time to grow into your 'next skin of self'. I believe this happens to us in cycles throughout our life. Some sheddings, or tearings, are bigger than others. There are tiny ones every day, each time we make a choice. And there are the big ones, the pivotal times of transition and change in our life, which often come with a traumatic or life changing event.

We need to ask ourselves in these moments: is it worth it? What do I really want out of life? Why am I here? Who am I?

Do I truly desire freedom, peace, love, feeling alive, fresh, new? Do I truly desire to expand love and light in the world? Are these things I say, or do I really mean it? What did my soul come here to do? What gives me true pleasure, and heals the world at the same time?

My answer is : I want to make the world a more beautiful place. I want my legacy to be that I am kind, loving, open, vibrant, inclusive, gentle, real, vulnerable, compassionate. That I stay open, no matter what. That I make the world a better, more light-filled place, just by being in it. It doesn't matter what I do. 

It is not my actions that count, so much as who I am.

And then I just breathe.