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Unmaking







We need to let go in order to come in to our own deepest belonging.    -John O'Donohue





 There is this great unmaking going on in me. I cannot stop it. I would not want to stop it if I could. It is the unmaking of everything in me that is covering over my truth, my authenticity, and my freedom.

It is every mask I have ever worn. It is every opinion anyone else has ever projected onto me, that I have accepted. It is every regimen I have ever imposed on myself to try to be more perfect, covering over my inherent wholeness. It is every reaction I have ever had to those who misunderstand, criticize, or judge me. These reactions that come from my small self contained in a box - temporary insanity- forgetting that my true being is as vast, quiet, and still as an entire star-studded Universe.

In the past six months I have been given many challenges, each one calling me deeper. Asking me to strip a little more dead skin away. Inviting me to stop caring about the opinions of others, and instead spend my energy focussing on the truth, as it presents itself to me.

 Fuck, it's hard. And sometimes it's really lonely.

For my sensitive, soft, easily bruised self, it is so hard. But, I am willing. All my life I have been willing. I will never give up, or stop pressing through the hurt. Because I am here to feel. I am here to accept. I am here to see and bring beauty. I am here to stay soft, stay open. I will continue to be brave. And I know I am not alone. When I hurt, I know that I am held in the arms of love.

Above all else I value truth and freedom.

All I can do is take the next step in front of me. And that is enough, it is always enough. Being my authentic self is the most powerful act I can do. I signed up for this, somehow, when I was awake. I am living it all out in my own way, I am fierce in my own way. I am devoted. I am present. And I am in awe. This life is also filled with joy, belonging, and presence.

It is exquisitely painful and beautiful in equal measure. It is altogether whole. 

 I would not shut any part of it out, and deny myself wholeness.

I am a highly sensitive, creative person. I place great value on spiritual growth, soul growth, and expansion into love. I will never fit the mould, will never be conventional, will never play entirely by society's rules. That is not who I am. Above all things, I value freedom. I value freedom above security, as has been evidenced in the choices I have made in my life.

Only love comes into my life. It comes in many different forms. And it is not always heart-warming and comfy. Sometimes love comes to illuminate truths that I don't want to see or hear. But it comes because it wants to free me. And I want to be freed. My only job is to stay open, soft, real, present. Love will do the rest.

Be here. Be brave. Show up. Be in it all. You, along with countless others, are counteracting the fucked-up madness of this world with love.

There is no greater task.

There is no deeper fulfillment.

I am home. In my own deepest belonging.

Selah.

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